Organizations and Markets

Alex Rodriguez Admits to Personal Stimulus Package

10 February 2009 at 10:16 am Peter G. Klein 2 comments

| Peter Klein |

NEW YORK — Yankees’ star third baseman Alex Rodriguez admitted to receiving a series of personal stimulus packages from 2001 to 2003. “My trainer said my actual output was well below my potential output so we needed to pursue an expansionary nutritional policy.” Now suffering from a debilitating disease caused by prolonged exposure to stimulus, Rodriguez said he had “little choice” but to ask the trainer for even more stimulus, as well as putting every aspect of his personal and professional life under the trainer’s control. “Bold action is needed,” said a spokesperson for Major League Baseball. “We cannot depend on stimulus alone to create home runs or long-term athletic growth, but at this particular moment, only stimulus can provide the short-term boost necessary to lift Alex from a recession this deep and severe.”

Rodriguez’s trainer said he was pleased with his new authority and blamed the player’s health problems on “lack of oversight” by baseball officials. “We didn’t have enough regulation,” he complained. Baseball analyst Paul Krugman said he supported additional stimulus and the trainer’s new powers but worried that the plan “doesn’t go far enough.”

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